Go, go, goal!
by Luthien Tinuviel
Summary: Lord of the Rings vs. Harry Potter in the ultimate berserk football match. Expect madness. I'm fresh out of Silmarils, but I can give you Philosopher's Stones if you review! **COMPLETE!!!!** That's it! The Conclusion, and Mara's Revenge!
1. I have no idea what to call it, it's the...

DISCLAIMER: We- no- own . LOTR- Tolkien. Tolkien-us-no. HP- Rowling. Rowling- us- no. Random characters- Random famous people. Random famous people- us- no. We do hope that's clear enough. In case you don't quite follow, WE DON'T OWN ANYONE!!!! Thanks.  
  
NOTE: This is our attempt to pit the Lord of the Rings characters against the ones from Harry Potter in a football match (Soccer, if you don't get it). Expect madness, unconsciousness and lots of familiar faces.er, names. Another thing you might want to know, we don't like Daniel Radcliffe (a.k.a the kid who plays Harry Potter) very much. (Tinuviel: Don't like him? WE HATE HIM AND DESPISE HIM AND WE WANT TO RIP HIM INTO TINY SHREDS, AND- Luthien: Shut up Tinuviel.)  
  
No snappy starting caption comes to mind, so let's just begin, shall we?  
  
SCENE: Football stadium packed with roaring mad crowd. Zoom in on commentator's booth.  
  
COMMENTATOR 1: Greetings! We're your commentators for this action packed match. I'm Luthien, and this is-  
  
COMMENTATOR 2: Tinuviel! We'll be having a lot of guests up here with us throughout the match, so we can annoy and distract you! Our guest up here right now is -  
  
COMMENTATOR 3: Meesa! Jar Jar Binks!  
  
SPECTATORS: (groan)  
  
LUTHIEN: I'd like to mention right now that Tinuviel and I are Jedi Knights, Mutants with really cool powers that we can control without going berserk, Witches, Aes Sedai, and Elves. We can also change the Matrix just like Neo can, so there!  
  
TINUVIEL: Ha! Now let's get on with it. This is, of course the final match of the Fantasy World cup, between Middle Earth's 'Ring Lords' and the 'Hogwarts Wizards'.  
  
LUTHIEN: The Ring Lords have been having a fantastic tournament. the coaches Elrond Halfelven and Bilbo Baggins have put done a bang up job of the best line up we've seen so far.  
  
TINUVIEL: We have honestly no clue how the Hogwarts Wizards have done so well. Coach Vernon Dursely doesn't even believe in his team. Literally.  
  
JAR JAR: Meesa not know about all this football mumbo jumbo. Meesa hate all-  
  
TINUVIEL: Shut up, Jar Jar.  
  
JAR JAR: Meesa shutting up now.  
  
(Tinuviel glares at Jar Jar)  
  
LUTHIEN: Here they come. ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the unbelievably cool RING LORDS!!!  
  
SPECTATORS: (mad cheering) (loud cheering) (Fellowship music)  
  
LUTHIEN: (as each player runs onto field) And they are- Aragorn son of Arathorn blah, blah , Boromir son of Denethor who thankfully has no other titles , Legolas Greenleaf Prince of Mirkwood (crowd sighs collectively) , Frodo Baggins , Merry Brandybuck , Pippin Took , Sam Gamgee , Gimli son of Gloin , Saruman the treacherous and evil wizard (Saruman pouts) , Goalkeeper Haldir of Lorien , aaaaand Captain Gandalf the White!  
  
(Saruman pouts again) (no one cares)  
  
TINUVIEL: And the Hogwarts Wizards are. Ron, Fred, George and Percy Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnigan, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape, Goalkeeper Hagrid who has no last name, and Captain Albus Dumbledore!!!  
  
JAR JAR: Yousa forgot one.  
  
TINUVIEL: (grumble) Oh, and that icky Harry Potter too.  
  
(Harry glares up at commentators' booth; Tinuviel sticks her tongue out at him)  
  
LUTHIEN: I must, of course, mention the managers of both teams, because they have to be all tension filled for the next 90 minutes. for the Ring Lords- Lord Celeborn of Lothlorien! And for the Hogwarts Wizards- Mister Ollivander!!  
  
JAR JAR: Meesa gonna mention cheerleaders! Theysa cool!  
  
TINUVIEL: Shut Up, Jar Jar. The cheerleaders for the Ring Lords are Lady Galadriel, Arwen and Eowyn!!! (Everyone puts on sunglasses as Galadriel and Arwen enter all glowy (followed by a glum Eowyn), holding pom- poms. Jar Jar, who can't effectively put on sunglasses because of his ears (and because of his lack of brains), is blinded by the light and falls of his chair.) And the Wizards cheerleaders are Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall and Petunia Dursely. (They arrive, leaping and grinning madly. Except for McGonagall, of course)  
  
LUTHIEN: And finally, our referee, the one and only Luke Skywalker!! (Luke arrives in cool Jedi fashion, leaping from the stands where he was sitting unnoticed) The linesmen are-  
  
TINUVIEL: Unimportant.  
  
LUTHIEN: No. Well, yes, really, the linesmen are random droids that go 'Roger, Roger' all the time, and a few stupid Stormtroopers.  
  
TINUVIEL: As I said, unimportant.  
  
LUTHIEN: Shut up and try waking that Gungan pain in the backside. Luke, let's get this going!!  
  
(Luke blows the whistle and the match begins!)  
  
NOTE: Chapter one, complete! Yay! Tell us what you think, won't you? You nice, sweet, kind, generous, lovely, beautiful people? Did we mention you're nice? If you do, we'll give you a lifetime supply of cookies! (Tinuviel: We will? Luthien: Shut up.) 


	2. The Beginning

THANKS FOR READING THIS!!! THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO US!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING IT, DON'T STOP!!! WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!  
  
This chapter will basically be 'on the field action', with a little annoying commentary, of course. (Tinuviel: And Sauron! We have Sauron!!!)  
  
Like previously mentioned, Luke blows the whistle, and the match begins!  
  
The Wizards won the toss, so they have possession of the ball. Harry gets it and stands pointlessly staring at it.  
  
TINUVIEL: Just look at the determination on his idiotic face. He appears to be stuck.  
  
LUTHIEN: Hellooo!! KICK THE $&%$ BALL, POTTER!!!  
  
Harry snaps into reality, startled by the collective curses and shouts from the commentator, his team and the crowd, gives a mighty roar as he kicks the ball with all his might.  
  
The ball unimpressively rolls forward enough for it to be declared a proper kickoff.  
  
Wizard's Cheerleaders:  
  
Hermione: BE CAREFUL HARRY!!!  
  
Petunia Dursely: DON'T BE CAREFUL, SHE MEANS, HARRY!!  
  
Hermione: No, I do not!  
  
Petunia Dursely: You do not want him to be careful!  
  
Hermione: Argh!!!  
  
Hermione and Mrs. Dursley get into a fist fight, while Professor MacGonagall reads a book, looking bored.  
  
A green blur whizzes past Harry, who has gone blank again, and before he can react, Legolas has stolen the ball and is dashing around the pitch in all his Elven speed.  
  
CROWD: (MEGA ROAR)  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: GO LEGGIE!!!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: Looks like we found ourselves a Legolas fan!  
  
TINUVIEL: Lets kill her.  
  
LUTHIEN: Shut up or you'll make a lot of enemies.  
  
TINUVIEL: What can I say, I hate people.  
  
JAR JAR: (recovering, but weakly raising a finger) Yousa a misanthrope!  
  
TINUVIEL: A WHAT? DON'T YOU DARE USE BAD LANGUAGE UP HERE, YOU GUNGAN!!  
  
(Tinuviel punches Jar Jar out. Random droids come to take him to the ICU)  
  
Back on the pitch.  
  
Saruman, who now has the ball, passes it cleanly to Dumbledore, who grins placidly and runs off incredibly fast for an old geezer.  
  
Saruman: (confronted by a very angry Aragorn) I thought he was Gandalf!! They look almost the same!  
  
Aragorn: Look at the team jersey next time, you dolt!  
  
Dumbledore passes to Harry, because he is very obviously biased towards him. Harry watches the ball roll past him.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Pippin flies over, gets the ball, and is lunged at by the Weasley twins, who come at him from two sides. He is short enough to slip between them, and they slam very painfully into each other. Both are knocked unconscious.  
  
Ron: (yelling madly) RED CARD!! GIVE THAT THING A RED CARD!!! RED CAAARD!!!!!  
  
Luke walks over to Ron and holds up a yellow card.  
  
Luke: Want a red one?  
  
Ron shakes his head and runs to hide behind Percy.  
  
As play resumes, Pippin has kicked the ball into the air, Aragorn makes a very cool volley and Boromir heads it at Hagrid in the Wizards' goal. It bounces off the gigantic form and whacks Aragorn in the head.  
  
Hagrid: Heh heh.OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (-Howl of pain)  
  
TINUVIEL: What the heck was that??  
  
Hagrid reaches back and pulls an arrow from his backside. On the other end of the pitch, Legolas casually tosses a bow and quiver of arrows over the bleachers, where Mara the excited fan grabs them and squeals.  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: My preciousssssss.  
  
Legolas looks slightly alarmed but sprints to see if Aragorn's okay.  
  
LUTHIEN: (in a mock confused voice) Gee, I wonder where that arrow came from!  
  
(Tinuviel cackles evilly)  
  
Aragorn is okay, though slightly dazed. Luke awards the Ring Lords a penalty, as Hagrid should have held on to the ball and not let it bounce off his massive frame. Luke decides that he did not *notice* Legolas' arrow.  
  
Merry takes the kick, and the Wizards stand casually around, trying to frighten the poor little Hobbit.  
  
Frodo, knowing Merry well, decides to distract Hagrid. He jumps up and down in the middle of the pitch, and vanishes.  
  
Hagrid: Gasp!  
  
Merry: Aha!  
  
Merry takes advantage of Hagrid's surprise to kick the ball between his feet.  
  
LUTHIEN: SCORE ONE FOR THE RING LORDS!! WHOO HOO!!!  
  
TINUVIEL: (muttering softly) He's put on the ring.Frodo's put on the Ring!  
  
LUTHIEN: What? No, you've got to be kidding. Oh no.  
  
TINUVIEL: Oh yes.  
  
LUTHIEN: What do you-  
  
All commentary comes to a hold as terrified screams fill the stadium.  
  
Frodo put on the One Ring. Sauron's Ring. The Ring Sauron wants back. Not good.  
  
The big, scary, fiery, lidless, ever watchful, colossal Eye of Sauron appears, filling the entire sky above the stadium.  
  
The Nazgul in the stands drop their popcorn and soda and duck under the seats.  
  
Sauron: My Ring. it is here. I see you, Halfling.  
  
Gandalf: TAKE OFF THE %&*# RING, YOU FOOL OF A. never mind.TAKE IT OFF!!!  
  
Frodo takes the Ring off and hides behind Sam.  
  
Harry: Oh how pretty! Is that a flower?  
  
TINUVIEL: He's even dumber than I thought. Ha!  
  
Ron: No, I think it's one of Bertie Bott's giant every flavour beans.  
  
Sauron: I am not a BEAN!!! I am the Lord Of Mordor, Lieutenant of Lord Melkor. I forged the Ruling Ring of Power- I am not a bean!!  
  
Sauron's Eye has been getting redder and scarier with each word.  
  
Harry: Oh. (passes out)  
  
TINUVIEL: Go Sauron!!  
  
Sauron: I shall be in my Tower.  
  
TINUVIEL: I, uh, I didn't mean 'go away'.  
  
The Eye vanishes. The audience starts cheering Merry and the Ring Lords, and the Nazgul clamber back onto their seats.  
  
LUTHIEN: As I was saying before the Distraction, YAY!! MERRY SCORES!!  
  
TINUVIEL: (tossing confetti all over the place) YIPPEE!!!  
  
Play resumes once more. The Wizards look very angry.  
  
Dumbledore tackles Sam, who has the ball. Sam, irritated, bonks Dumbledore over the head with a frying pan from nowhere. Neville Longbottom gets the ball anyway and trips over it.  
  
Gandalf takes this opportunity to steal the ball from Neville, who's lying about a mile away from it anyway. Gandalf dribbles down the field, but Harry Potter zooms over. Gandalf pretends like he's going to pass to Legolas, and Harry runs madly after the Elf until he realizes that Gandalf still has the ball. He pulls out his wand angrily.  
  
TINUVIEL: GANDALF!!! LOOK OUT!!!  
  
Harry: (Jelly Legs Curse)  
  
Gandalf, hit by the curse, starts wobbling around like he has, well, Jelly Legs.  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: That's not fair! Leggie, do something!!!!!  
  
Legolas grins at Mara, causing her to faint. He then proceeds to whoosh down to where Seamus Finnigan has the ball, steal it from him, continue whooshing to the Wizard's goal, and boot it in before anyone can react.  
  
TINUVIEL: GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: Two nil to the Ring Lords!!!  
  
Percy: That was offside!! Not allowed. I'm a prefect, I know these things.  
  
Luke: (walking over quietly) It was not offside, and I'm a Jedi like my father before me. That's way cooler than being a prefect.  
  
Percy: But it was still offside! Right? Right? (He turns to his team, but they look rather red)  
  
Ron: Harry was having a chat with Hagrid about cream cakes when the tall guy kicked the ball in. It's not offside.  
  
Percy: Yes it is!  
  
Ron: We, er, we were all eating the cream cakes.  
  
Percy looks outraged and bonks him on the head. He falls unconscious onto Harry, who is also knocked out.  
  
Random Droids come to take Ron away, since Harry's the boy who lived and he cannot leave the match, because everything that happens to anybody should involve him.  
  
LUTHIEN: And Ron Weasley's replacement is.  
  
  
  
Well, you'll have to wait and find out! This wasn't as fun as the last chapter, we know, but the next one will be very painful.I mean eventful!  
  
We're gonna need a lot of replacements on both sides, and any suggestions would be great! Anyone want to see Figwit? Anyone know who Figwit is? Ideas for new ways of Harry bashing would help too!  
  
Thanks to our wonderful reviewers once more. If you leave signed ones, we'll check out your stuff. Ranger's Honour! 


	3. The Wizards score...groan...

Note: First of all, THANK-YOU! Thanks for all the fantastic reviews; they really made our day!  
  
This is a looong chapter, but not nauseatingly so. we hope.  
  
Book characters make their appearance in this one!! Well, this is a BOOK CROSSOVER, you know!  
  
And, by the way, when we're having conversations, it does not mean play has paused or anything, they're just boringly passing the ball around, and that could make for highly boring dialogue. What we've mentioned is the important stuff!  
  
To Spock Lover, if you're reading this, congratulations! You spotted the 'error'. This may sound really corny, but we meant to write it that way! No, we really did! Okay, don't believe us then. Hang on for one more chapter- we have big plans for Hagrid's name.  
  
  
  
If you've forgotten, Ron had been carried away by Random Droids, and his replacement was just about to announced.  
  
LUTHIEN: And Ron Weasley's replacement is.  
  
Sounds of yelling and fierce struggling can be heard down in the bleachers. A furiously struggling figure is being forced onto the field by the Weasley twins. Luthien leans forward to find out who the figure is, and to her great delight it turns out to be none other than-  
  
Figure: No! NOOOOO!!! I WILL NOT PLAY FOR POTHER! NOOOOO!!! NOT FOR POTHER! EVIL POTHER!!! POTHER THROWS BIG RED HEAVY BALLS AT MY HEAD! EVIL POTHER!  
  
TINUVIEL: OH MY GOD IT'S WOOD!!! IT'S WOOD!!! OLIVER WOOD IS RON'S REPLACEMENT!!! AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: I thought you hated people.  
  
TINUVIEL: Yeah, I do, but Wood isn't a person- (puts hands together and looks up dreamily) - he's an ANGEL!  
  
LUTHIEN: Oh. Well, people, I'm quite sure you heard but I'll repeat it anyway, Ron Weasley's replacement is Oliver Wood, the devilishly good- looking captain of the Quidditch team of the Gryffindor House of The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
Down on the field, Wood stops struggling to look up at the Commentator's Booth and smile with appreciation.  
  
Luthien faints.  
  
Harry Potter trots up to get a better view of the Commentator's Booth.  
  
Harry: How come you didn't give ME an introduction, huh? I am the Seeker of the Gryffindor Team you know! And I am the youngest Seeker in a century, you know. I'm greater than Wood, and cuter too-  
  
TINUVIEL: Shut the heck up Potter! You are not cute, not great, (raises both hands above head) AND NOT WORTHY!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Harry looks slightly alarmed and scowls up at Tinuviel, (who's still laughing maniacally) and she stops and tries to swat him away disgustedly.  
  
Back to the field, now.  
  
Wood manages to escape from Fred and George and runs straight to Professor Dumbledore and gets down on his knees, hands clasped together.  
  
Wood: Please Professor/ Captain Dumbledore, can't I go?  
  
Dumbledore (in his usual gravely irritating tone): No, Wood, you can only leave after you score a goal (chuckles evilly and mutters under his breath: Which will be never, because they have an Elf for a goalie.heh heh)  
  
Wood: So you mean I can leave after scoring? Immediately? I can leave Pother?  
  
Bumbledore *: Yes, you may.  
  
Wood whoops and runs onto the field.  
  
Vernon Dursley walks onto the field, straight to Dumbledore.  
  
Dursley: I am the coach around here, I make the decisions, not you, you crackpot old fool!  
  
Dumbledore: (still very gravely) Yes, but I am the captain, and I believe I am right. I am always right. Where is Mister Ollivander?  
  
Dursley: Either asleep or dead. (Mumbles) Stupid manager. stupid team. stupid, old captain. stupid Harry Potter.pain in the backside.  
  
Dumbledore draws his wand, points it at Dursley, and turns him into a toad.  
  
Dumbledore: Mister Longbottom, I have a new toad for you, since your old one must be bored, getting lost alone so often.  
  
Neville: Trevor! I mean, ummm. Trevor the second!!  
  
Wizard's Cheerleaders:  
  
Professor McGonagall picks up another book and continues to read.  
  
Petunia Dursley is a bit distracted from her fist fight by her husband turning into a toad, and Hermione knocks her out.  
  
As play continues at last.  
  
Harry is very irritated at the attention given to Wood, so he decides to score a goal all by himself, just to hear the people cheer for him.  
  
He steals the ball from poor Sam who had just gotten possession of it, and once more dramatically kicks it towards the goal.  
  
LUTHIEN: Great, I regain consciousness to see THIS! Harry Potter has the ball, people, and he's heading for the goal. Poor Sam. You should have clobbered him, Sam. Haldir, show that wizard wannabe how it's done!  
  
Haldir, looking bored, casually steps aside to catch the not so dramatically flying ball.  
  
Haldir: That was so slow I could have caught it in the dark.  
  
Ring Lords Cheerleaders:  
  
Galadriel: (enthusiastically waving her pom poms) GIMME AN 'H'!  
  
CROWD: 'H'!!!  
  
Arwen: (just as enthusiastically) GIMME AN 'A'!!  
  
CROWD: 'A'!!!  
  
Eowyn: (bouncing berserkly) GIMME AN 'L - D - I - R '!!!  
  
CROWD: 'L - D - I - R '!!!  
  
Galadriel: WHAT DOES THAT SPELL???  
  
CROWD: * blink *  
  
Haldir: (calmly) Haldir. It spells Haldir, you idiots.  
  
Aragorn: (racing towards the goal area) HALDIR!! WATCH THE GOAL!!!  
  
Wood, in a desperate panic, rushes towards the goal.  
  
Wood: (muttering to self) Must score. must get away from Pother.  
  
Shutting his eyes, he kicks the ball blindly towards the goal.  
  
TINUVIEL: WOOD SCORES!!!! ONE FOR THE WIZARDS!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: YAY!! Wait a minute, aren't we supposed to be inconspicuously supporting the Ring Lords?  
  
TINUVIEL: Yeah, but we're inconspicuously supporting Wood, too.  
  
Harry: (looking up) Not THAT incon- inco- whatever!  
  
Tinuviel is so disgusted that she throws Jar Jar's body (which Random Droids had just returned from ICU) at his stupid head.  
  
LUTHIEN: As I was saying, the Wizards have reduced the goal difference by one!  
  
Some of the Random Droids have restored Harry (again), and now he is looking threateningly at Oliver Wood, who is leaving as soon as he can.  
  
TINUVIEL: Aww.he's leaving. (pouts)  
  
LUTHIEN: (sob) We now bring in our second guest commentator for the match.  
  
TINUVIEL: We do?  
  
LUTHIEN: Yes, now that you've completely disposed of the Gungan, please welcome, Gilderoy Lockhart!!!  
  
CROWD: (groan)  
  
TINUVIEL: (whispering) He's not in the movie yet.  
  
LUTHIEN: Neither are the 'upcoming' reserves, remember?  
  
Now Tinuviel nods knowingly.  
  
LOCKHART: Greetings, my dear fans!  
  
There's no reply, but Lockhart thinks they're stunned by his presence.  
  
LOCKHART: It's all right, I just came down here to show you all that I can be normal too, just like all of you. of course, I'm not really that normal, no one has won the Witches Weekly Most Charming Smile Award one million times in a row, and no one has hair as good as mine. wait.  
  
Lockhart leans forward eagerly, staring at something on the pitch.  
  
LOCKHART: By my curlers, who is that? With that long, shiny, wavy, possibly as good as mine blonde hair?  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: (turning off the spotlight she was shining on Legolas from a helicopter, and speaking through a megaphone) That's MY LEGGIE'S LONG, SHINY, WAVY, DEFINITELY - BETTER - THAN - YOURS HAIR YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!  
  
LOCKHART: *blink* (whispers) Who is that?  
  
LUTHIEN: She's 'Mara the Excited'!! Legolas fan extraordinaire.  
  
LOCKHART: (Dumbly) Who's Legolas?  
  
TINUVIEL: The guy with the nice hair, duh! Didn't you even notice the spotlight?  
  
LOCKHART: (just as dumbly) Spotlight? Uh, I saw hair that could rival mine, but.er. spotlight you say? Oh yes, of course I saw it. it was big, and round, and. shiny! Like my hair! And my eyes, of course!  
  
Lockhart grins toothily. Tinuviel shields her eyes with a hand.  
  
TINUVIEL: And your teeth!  
  
Lockhart takes this for a compliment and smiles again, even wider than before.  
  
TINUVIEL: Ai! I've been blinded!  
  
LUTHIEN: No, you haven't!  
  
TINUVIEL: (muttering) You're spoiling the drama!  
  
LUTHIEN: As Oliver Wood has left the stadium, the Hogwarts Wizards bring forth. wait, wait wait. I've got an idea!  
  
TINUVIEL: Oh dear.  
  
Luthien grabs a piece of paper and a peacock feather quill from Lockhart and summons a Random Droid, then hands him the paper after scribbling something on it.  
  
Random Droid: Roger, roger.  
  
LOCKHART: Who's Roger? Should I know him? Does he look better than me? Or have hair like that pointy-eared guy down there?  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: (sounding like Neo from The Matrix) His name. IS LEGOLAS!!  
  
Meanwhile, the Random Droid has reached Elrond, coach of the Ring Lords. Elrond looks puzzled, then nods and waves at the Commentator's Booth.  
  
Elrond: (getting a megaphone from Mara) BRING FORTH YOUR RESERVE, HOGWARTS WIZARDS.  
  
TINUVIEL: You did all that, just for him to say one line?  
  
LUTHIEN: Yeah.  
  
TINUVIEL: Cool.  
  
LUTHIEN: Anyway, the next reserve player is.(gives a little shriek of excitement).  
  
TINUVIEL: (Making little binoculars with her hands) Is it Wood again? No, it's.cool. it's.  
  
LUTHIEN: It's.  
  
Gilderoy Lockhart suddenly screams in utter terror, making Tinuviel pass out.  
  
LUTHIEN: SIRIUS BLACK!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius, one of the coolest characters in the book, walks onto the field.  
  
Harry: Sirius!  
  
Sirius ignores him.  
  
Dumbledore: Sirius!!  
  
Sirius ignores him as well.  
  
Snape: (sinisterly) Black.  
  
Sirius punches him in the hooked nose as he strides past, ignoring him anyway.  
  
Sirius: Aragorn!!  
  
Aragorn: Sirius!!  
  
They run towards each other. Play comes to a standstill as everyone stops to watch.  
  
Sirius: It's good to see you!  
  
Aragorn: I am glad you got out of prison, old friend.  
  
Sirius: So am I! But. hold it. am I supposed to be playing AGAINST you?  
  
Aragorn nods, then smiles wickedly.  
  
Aragorn: But you don't have to.  
  
Sirius returns the wicked smile, and then joins the Wizards, the evil glint not gone from his eyes.  
  
TINUVIEL: (waking) Poor cool Sirius.  
  
LUTHIEN: Yeah, the poor things.hey, LOOK! GO Sam!!!  
  
Sam now has the ball (again), and is charging for the goal. The other Ring Lords are concentrating on keeping the Wizards away. Boromir blocks a charge from Seamus Finnigan, tripping him up. Legolas leaps over Neville to make him trip over Seamus. Saruman, who has had absolutely nothing important to do after passing the ball to Dumbledore at the beginning of the match, discretely pulls the Wizards' captain's beard, knocking him into Percy Weasley.  
  
As Sam enters the penalty area, only the Weasley twins, Harry and Sirius can possibly stop him. Merry and Pippin distract the twins, and Frodo chicken dances about to distract Harry, all of them still in the goal area to make it legitimate.  
  
Sam shoots.  
  
Hagrid lunges.  
  
Sirius hurtles on to the giant goalkeeper, knocking him to the ground.  
  
Sam scores.  
  
TINUVIEL: YEAH!! RING LORDS 3, WIZARDS 1, WHOOOO!!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: Yay, Sam!!!  
  
LOCKHART: (turning away from his mirror) Did something happen?  
  
Luke signals that there's one minute added extra before the end of the First Half.  
  
Percy: One minute? After all that? Give them all red cards! That guy pulled Dumbledore's beard! And Sirius Black- he HELPED them!  
  
Luke: What am I supposed to do if the man doesn't like your team?  
  
Percy: But. the fat little thing scored because of him!  
  
Frodo walks up to Percy and kicks him in the shin.  
  
Percy: Ah! (mutters curses)  
  
Frodo: Sam is NOT fat! Pleasantly plump, and he's good, and loyal, and brave, and sooo much better than Harry's stupid sidekick!  
  
Percy: That's my stupid brother you're talking about!  
  
Frodo: Good.  
  
Luke: Shut up and don't waste time. I have to get to Toche station to pick up some power converters.  
  
Percy: But I was Head Boy!  
  
Luke: I thought you were a prefect.  
  
Percy: Then I become Head Boy, then I work for the Government!  
  
Luke: So?  
  
Percy gives up and walks away.  
  
Percy: (quickly turning around, as if inspired) Can't you at least give the guy with the beard a card? He-  
  
Frodo: Guy with the beard!  
  
TINUVIEL: Guy with the beard!  
  
Gandalf: The guy with the beard!  
  
Other Ring Lords: Guy with the beard!  
  
LUTHIEN: Guy with the beard!  
  
LOCKHART: What guy with the beard? I don't see any beards!  
  
Gilderoy Lockhart is thrown out of the Commentator's Booth.  
  
ALL: (who previously exclaimed 'Guy with the beard!' and CROWD): WHERE'S GIMLI?????  
  
Luke blows the Half Time whistle.  
  
  
  
Muahahahahaha!! A cliffhanger!!!  
  
Where's everybody's favourite Dwarf? What's so special about Tinuviel's mistake with Hagrid's name? When is Figwit gonna show up? Be patient, and you shall see!!!!  
  
NOTE: *- Bumbledore- Tinuviel, who typed this, spelled Dumbledore this way. She thought it looked so hilarious we left it this way. It does look funny, doesn't it? Try reading it out loud. No, we are not giving you English lessons like a textbook- read it anyway! 


	4. Of Kidnapped Dwarves and Hot Elves...

NOTE: This is gonna be a real short chapter, because it will only state the events of Half Time. Guess who makes his first appearance in this one? Go, on, guess. we're not telling- read it and find out! It is now half time. The question is, for the moment- Where's Gimli?  
  
  
  
LUTHIEN: Welcome to Half Time, folks! First, a score update!  
  
Random R2 droids put up the score cards to reveal:  
  
RING LORDS 3 (Meriadoc Brandybuck, Legolas Greenleaf, Samwise Gamgee)  
  
HOGWARTS WIZARDS 1 (Oliver Wood)  
  
LUTHIEN: The Wizards have one half in which to catch up, but with Haldir as the opposing goalkeeper, they haven't got a prayer! Now, we should, of course subject you to words from our sponsors, who are-  
  
TINUVIEL: Absolute idiots.  
  
LUTHIEN: Yes. But before getting to the advertisements, let's look at the secret hidden video footage thingy we're getting live from the Wizards' locker room!  
  
TINUVIEL: Where we suspect they're keeping poor Gimli locked up!  
  
LUTHIEN: ROLL 'EM!  
  
Camera footage (live!!!) is displayed on the huge screen in the stadium.  
  
HOGWARTS WIZARDS LOCKER ROOM  
  
Dumbledore is addressing his team, not looking happy. A locker next to him seems to be vibrating violently.  
  
Dumbledore: You kidnapped the guy with the beard, didn't you?  
  
Harry: Yes Professor Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: Did I ask you to kidnap the guy with the beard?  
  
Harry: No, Professor Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: Then why did you kidnap the guy with the beard?  
  
Harry: I don't know, Professor Dumbledore. (Tinuviel: Sheesh!)  
  
Hermione: As you know, Professor, I'm very smart, and I overheard one of the glowing cheerleaders say that the fate of them all rested on a very small pair of shoulders!  
  
Harry: I, being the boy who lived, kidnapped the first small guy I saw! The guy with the beard!  
  
Locker: LET ME OUT!!!!!  
  
Harry pulls out his wand evilly and mutters something, pointing at the locker. Pitiful screaming is heard from the locker.  
  
That instant, the door to the locker room is blown open, and the Ring Lords (and Sirius Black) step inside coolly. For a second, the two teams stand staring at each other.  
  
Gandalf: Hand over the dwarf, Wizards!  
  
Snape: If you want him, come and claim him!!  
  
Arwen comes bounding in, Followed by a mysterious figure.  
  
Arwen: That's MY line!! (She bonks Snape in the head)  
  
Malfoy: PROFESSOR SNAPE! NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Arwen: That's what you get for stealing my line!  
  
Mysterious Figure: Your line, is it? You stole my lines! And my scene! And my horse! And my existence!  
  
All Ring Lords: Glorfindel?  
  
Glorfindel: Yes, it is I, the poor forgotten Glorfindel. the poor ill treated, cut out Glorfindel. poor, poor me.ARGH!  
  
Glorfindel, letting out a cry of rage, punches Arwen's lights out, returns Aragorn's high- five, and strolls out of the room pleasantly.  
  
It takes a while for everyone to get back to getting Gimli back.  
  
Sam: You give Mister Gimli back, or else!  
  
Frodo: (whispering) Or else what, Sam?  
  
Sam: Or else they will taste the wrath of my PANS! And that's no joke, 'cause I am SAMWISE THE STRONG!!! Muahahahaha!!  
  
The Wizards look very freaked out, because Sam is whirling a very dangerous looking frying pan above his head. They get even more freaked out when Gimli tugs very hard on Dumbledore's beard. Harry shrieks and passes out because the locker looks untouched.  
  
Harry: A GHOST! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Legolas: (grimly) That is no mere ghost. That is.  
  
Another mysterious figure, a dark haired Elf who was so far not noticed, leaps off the locker.  
  
Legolas: (narrowing his eyes menacingly) Figwit.  
  
Figwit: (just as menacingly) Legolas.  
  
Texas showdown type music plays from nowhere, and all the other occupants of the room step back and seem to fade away. The spectators watching the screen stop breathing. Mara the Excited fan passes out.  
  
Both the Elves reach, in slow motion, for their bows and arrows.  
  
As quick as lightning, they both draw and let loose. At the same time. The arrows zoom through the air, and slice through each other, making perfect halves. Harry, who was just regaining consciousness, gets to his feet to see this happen millimeters in front of his face, and faints again.  
  
Everyone else is too impressed by this display of Elven coolness to bother about it (except for poor Tinuviel, who looks like she's on the verge of tears, muttering 'so close.so close.').  
  
Figwit: Next time, Prince of Mirkwood.  
  
He twirls around and disappears.  
  
Boromir: It seems they thought you carry the fate of us all, little dwarf! All right, Gimli?  
  
Gimli: (shaken) Itch. under armour. couldn't scratch.  
  
The Ring Lords look in disgust at the other team, then turn and walk away, leaving the Wizards to tend to their injured players.  
  
Gandalf: (to the rest of his team) They captured one of our own, even though it took us around 45 minutes to figure that out.  
  
Pippin: This means WAR!!!  
  
Gandalf: Not so loud, you Fool of a Took!  
  
Pippin: Did you know that line's getting too clichéd?  
  
Gandalf is about to say something about a wizard never being clichéd, when Luke, feeling really bored with no one to talk to except the Random Droids, blows the whistle to end half time.  
  
  
  
Well, we did tell you it'd be short, right? We wanted to have some ads or something, but once we got to the end, we just couldn't think of a place to add the, er, ads! Figwit fans, don't despair! He'll be back!!  
  
Oh, and Apricot, trust us, Saudi Arabia is even more boring than it sounds! We could go on for all eternity jotting down all the other 'boring-nesses' of this Underworld we call our 'home- away from home'! 


	5. Hagrid goes Berserk!

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR INDESCRIBABLE REVIEWS! We'd have quit a long time ago, were it not for you!  
  
Yeah, can you believe it? We actually posted more than one chapter this time! Spock Lover, this chapter reveals.the thing with Hagrid's name!!  
  
As we were saying,  
  
Luke blows the whistle signaling the end of Half Time. Both teams return to the pitch. Gimli gets extra roars from the crowd. Gilderoy Lockhart, who has somehow managed to climb back into the booth, grins widely, pointing at Gimli.  
  
LOCKHART: Oh look, that guy has a beard!!  
  
TINUVIEL: Can't I kill him?  
  
LOCKHART: Oh, I don't think they'd be happy if you killed a player.  
  
TINUVIEL: I meant you.  
  
Lockhart shuts up.  
  
Since the Wizards started out with the ball in the first half, the Ring Lords have it in the second.  
  
Frodo kicks off, and thanks to extra- hairy Hobbit feet, the ball sails into the air. It lands on Malfoy's head, and bounces to Sirius, who immediately passes it to Boromir.  
  
Snape: You'll pay for that, Black!  
  
Snape lunges towards Sirius, but Gimli comes to his rescue by launching himself at Snape, knocking him out (again).  
  
Percy: FOUL!! FOUL!!! THAT WAS A FOUL!!  
  
Harry: It's okay, it was against Snape. Snape doesn't like me, even though I'm famous. I'm the boy who lived, you know.  
  
Percy ignores him and walks up to Luke, who is in deep consultation with one of the Random Droids.  
  
Percy: That was a-  
  
Luke: Yeah, yeah. penalty to the Wizards!  
  
LUTHIEN: Noooooo!  
  
Luke: (evil grin) But Harry over there has to take it!  
  
The cheers that were coming from the Wizards quickly turned into groans.  
  
Harry: It's all right, I can do this. I'm determined!  
  
Harry faces Haldir to take the penalty shot. Hagrid comes over to him for some last minute advice.  
  
Hagrid: Go get 'im, Harry, I know yer can do this.  
  
Harry: Why is that, Hagrid?  
  
Hagrid: (conspiratorially) Yer a wizard, Harry!  
  
Harry: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT ALREADY, YOU BIG IDIOT! OF COURSE I'M A WIZARD, AND A GOOD ONE AT THAT!  
  
Hagrid: WELL YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FER YER STUPIDITY! IF YER DIDN'T HAVE THAT IGNORANT EXPRESSION ON YER FACE ALL DAY!  
  
TINUVIEL: (leaning back and folding her arms behind her head) This is just how I like it.  
  
Dumbledore: (gravely) I think it is time for Harry to take the shot.  
  
Hagrid storms off to his side of the pitch, while Harry narrows his CG green eyes in concentration.  
  
Haldir, meanwhile, is sitting cross-legged on the top bar of the goalpost, totally relaxed.  
  
Harry shoots, and the ball lands right in Haldir's lap.  
  
Haldir: You are so pointless.  
  
LUTHIEN: YAY! Haldir foils the penalty for the Wizards! Go Haldir!  
  
Haldir smiles calmly.  
  
TINUVIEL: Haldir is so much better than that big oaf the Wizards call a Goalkeeper! What kind of a first name is Hagrid? What is his last name anyway?  
  
LUTHIEN: Er, Tinuviel, I just remembered something. His-  
  
Hagrid, however, has lost it completely.  
  
Hagrid: I'VE HAD IT! ME NAME'S RUBEUS! THAT'S ME FIRST NAME! I'M RUBEUS HAGRID! AAAAARGH!  
  
He rampages around the field, trying to strangle the first person he can find. Play around him halts as the players frantically try to get out of the way of the giant half-giant. He grabs Harry and is beginning to choke him (much to the delight of the commentators) when he spots the easy way Legolas and the other elves are simply walking away from him. He drops the boy to the ground, and rounds on Legolas.  
  
Legolas was not expecting an attack, and gives a small yelp when he spots Hagrid charging towards him. Mara the Excited Fan wakes up in the stands to see the Elf under threat.  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: LEGGIIIEEEEEE!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
She flies towards him, and shoves him out of the way, very Mary Sue-ishly, to take the brunt of Hagrid's blow.  
  
Legolas: (looking around to see the concerned crowd) Mara! No!  
  
He rushes to the unconscious Mara, who wakes up the second Legolas pronounces her name.  
  
Legolas proceeds to carefully help an awestruck Mara up, and takes her towards the Medical Droids.  
  
Mara the Excited Fan: You care! You really care!  
  
Legolas (whispering): Keep your head down and don't talk. this is just for good publicity! (Speaking clearer) Oh don't worry now Mara dear, you're in good hands!  
  
CROWD: Awwwww.  
  
LUTHIEN: (trying to sound convincing) Of course we all always knew that Legolas has a big heart, don't we?  
  
TINUVIEL: Yes OF COURSE we did! Legolas has always been very kind hearted- ACK! HALDIR!!!  
  
The spectators (and the commentators) hadn't really paid attention to the berserk Hagrid, which annoyed him greatly, and he had charged right into poor Haldir, who was now being taken away by the Random Droids.  
  
LUTHIEN: EVIL!!! LUKE! KILL- er- RED CARD!!!  
  
TINUVIEL: I think I'm rubbing off on you, Luthie.  
  
Luke walks over to Hagrid, who has become tangled in the net of the goal, and is currently struggling to get free. He first pulls out the yellow, then the red card.  
  
Percy: Wait a minute; you can't give the Goalkeeper a red card!  
  
Luke: I just did, Prefect- boy, and there's nothing you can do about it!  
  
Dumbledore: Can we bring in another?  
  
Luke: I'm a Jedi, like my father before me, and the Jedi's were the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. Therefore, I'm just as well.  
  
Percy: The point being?  
  
Luke: Yes. But you have to give up another player.  
  
Dumbledore: Take Percy.  
  
Random Droids come to take Percy away.  
  
Percy: Noooo! I'm a prefect! You can't do this to me!  
  
Luke: I just did! And penalty to the Ring Lords, by the way.  
  
LUTHIEN: We have just received word of the replacements on both sides. Replacing the poor injured Haldir for the Ring Lords will be.  
  
TINUVIEL: THE ONE, THE ONLY-  
  
LOCKHART: (reading from a paper) Figwit? I say, what kind of a name is that?  
  
Tinuviel knocks Lockhart out for ruining the drama by hitting him on the head with a chair.  
  
Meanwhile, Figwit has made his entrance and taken his place at the goal. Legolas, returning from the Medic tent, spots him and only narrows his eyes at him, awaiting their next 'confrontation'.  
  
LUTHIEN: And for the Wizards, RUBEUS Hagrid's replacement is-  
  
TINUVIEL: Cool.  
  
LUTHIEN: Definitely. Ladies and gentlemen, REMUS. J .LUPIN!!!!  
  
Crowd roars as Lupin arrives. Sirius runs over to him, and the two of them begin conspiring with Aragorn.  
  
  
  
What are they conspiring about? What about the penalty? Will the match ever end? You'll just have to wait and see, don't you?  
  
We might be a little late with the next chapter, 'cuz school has decided to start and that means free time will be reduced to a minimum. We'll keep at it as long as you want us to, of course, just updates will be a teensy bit later than usual! Keep reviewing because we love you for it! 


	6. More rampaging Goalkeepersand Marv!

Aragorn grins at Sirius and Lupin as the latter walks over to the goal. The heir to the throne of Gondor goes to Saruman and begins conspiring with him too.  
  
Gandalf: Excuse me, but I think it's me you want to talk to.  
  
Aragorn: No, I don't think so.  
  
Gandalf: But I'm your wise old friend and he's the evil multicoloured traitor!  
  
Aragorn: Yeah, but he's better at this sort of thing.  
  
Harry: What thing? What are you talking about? Why are you conspiring?  
  
Aragorn: Shut up, bird brain!  
  
Saruman, meanwhile, has picked up his staff and is standing in the middle of the field, in the little circle thing, arms outstretched.  
  
Saruman: (yelling) *Scary Elvish words*  
  
The sky starts all black and some spooky winds start blowing Saruman's cloak and hair around. More importantly, the sky starts going black AND the FULL MOON comes out.  
  
TINUVIEL: Oooh!  
  
LUTHIEN: Evil.  
  
Aragorn and Sirius high- five, and Lupin gives a little howl of delight. It gets longer, and longer. and the cool professor is now a full-fledged werewolf.  
  
This gives Boromir the opportunity to make his penalty, as a werewolf isn't really into catching footballs. As soon as the goal is made, Boromir sprints off to join the rest of the team in the place where the coach and people sit (I forgot what it's called).  
  
LOCKHART: Aaaaaaargh! A werewolf!  
  
LUTHIEN: When did you wake up? (She knocks him out and hurls him onto the pitch)  
  
Remus Lupin is on a rampage, attacking all the Hogwarts Wizards and destroying lots of unimportant stuff. He runs after Harry, who can do nothing but scream like a little girl and run madly around in circles.  
  
TINUVIEL: EAT HIM!! EAT HIM REMY!!  
  
Dumbledore, unfortunately, pulls out his wand and gets ready to cast a spell on the werewolf, just as he had pounced on Harry.  
  
Sirius: NOOOOOO!  
  
Sirius turns into a dog and bites Dumbledore.  
  
Dumbledore: (gravely) OW!  
  
Lupin runs after Harry again, and when this gets boring, Saruman steps out on the pitch again.  
  
Saruman: *Same Scary Elvish, but backwards*  
  
The spooky wind blows, yada, yada, and the sky becomes all cheery and daylight filled, and sickeningly sweet Tellytubby like music (which would have been more affective in the spooky darkness) fills the pitch. Lupin turns back into a cool person, and grins seeing the destruction he caused. (while Saruman casually turns off a walkman hidden under his beard)  
  
Lupin: Not bad, eh?  
  
Sirius: Not at all.  
  
Dumbledore: I am afraid you can no longer play as goalkeeper, Remus.  
  
Lupin: Cool.  
  
He walks off, and Hagrid comes back, fresh from Professor Trelawny's therapy session.  
  
Hagrid: (muttering to self) I will not die anytime soon. It's Harry who's going ter die.It's Harry who's going ter be thrown into Niagara Falls by a horde of angry buffalo.  
  
He goes back to the goal post.  
  
Luke: But I gave you a Red Card! You can't come back! That's not fair!  
  
Hagrid: (all scary and half- giant like) So yeh have a problem, wimp?  
  
A sensible Jedi would have known better and backed off, but NO ONE called Luke Skywalker a wimp.  
  
Luke: YES I HAVE A PROBLEM, BOZO! I AM A JEDI LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME, AND I AM THE REFEREE, SO WHEN I SAY YOU GO, YOU GO!!!  
  
And when he said that, he waved his hand in front of Hagrid's face, which immediately went blank.  
  
Hagrid: When you say I go, I go.  
  
LUTHIEN: So, Hagrid's being sent off for the second time, and the score is now, Ring Lords - 4, Hogwarts Wizards - 1!  
  
TINUVIEL: Yay! Now, I welcome our next guest speaker for the evening-  
  
LUTHIEN: You're welcoming someone? You? Welcome?  
  
TINUVIEL: Yes, because I LIKE this guest speaker. AND, he's not technically a person. People, heeeerrrreeee's Gollum!  
  
GOLLUM: My Preciousssss.  
  
LUTHIEN: Hey, Gollum, er, Smeagol, how are you?  
  
GOLLUM: We is not fine. we wantsss our Precioussss, and we will not be fine until we gets it!  
  
LUTHIEN: Right. Well, Hagrid's replacement is. is.well, a mysterious cloaked and hooded figure!  
  
A mysterious cloaked and hooded figure is at the Wizard's goal.  
  
TINUVIEL: He's been listed simply as Marv.  
  
LUTHIEN: Marv?  
  
GOLLUM: We does not like that name, do we, Precious? No, we don't likes it at all! Is a silly name, we thinks!  
  
TINUVIEL: You've got that right! Both of you!  
  
Luke, being very irritated with Hagrid, hands another penalty to the Ring Lords. Frodo steps up to take it.  
  
Frodo: I wish this ball hadn't come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened.  
  
Gandalf: So do all who have to make such shots, but it is not for us to decide. All we can do is decide what to do with the ball that is given to us.  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Gandalf: Make the shot or die, Hobbit!  
  
Frodo's cute blue eyes narrow in concentration, and he kicks with all his little might. The ball sails past the totally uninterested Marv the mysterious goalkeeper, and into the net.  
  
Frodo: Yay! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!  
  
Frodo falls to the ground, clutching his shoulder and screaming in terror. Harry had found a Morgul Blade lying on the ground and, in anger that he'd made the penalty, stuck it into Frodo.  
  
Sam: Mister FRODO!!  
  
Other Ring Lords: FRODO!  
  
LUTHIEN: FRODO!  
  
TINUVIEL: Nooooo! DIE, POTTER, DIE!!!  
  
GOLLUM: Baggins. poor, nice Baggins.has Preciouss. WE WANTS PRECIOUS!! WE WANTS IT!!  
  
Aragorn: (rushing to Frodo's side) He's been stabbed by a Morgul Blade. again.  
  
Ring Lords Cheerleaders:  
  
Arwen, on seeing what's happened to Frodo, grabs a white horse and, turning her glowiness to full power, rides out to the pitch. She is knocked off by a tackle from Glorfindel.  
  
Glorfindel: Not this time, sister!  
  
Meanwhile, the mysterious cloaked hooded figure of Marv the goalkeeper is advancing towards Harry, who is standing show- offy- ly in a corner of the pitch.  
  
Marv: Potter.  
  
Harry: Yes?  
  
Marv: It's time to die.  
  
TINUVIEL: It is? Yesss!!  
  
GOLLUM: Happy commentator sounds like uss, doesn't she, Precious?  
  
Marv casts back his mysterious hood to reveal-  
  
Harry: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! VOLDEMOR-T! IT'S VOLEMOR-T!  
  
Marv: Do stop.  
  
Marv raises his wand. The moment he yells Avada Kedavra, however, Harry yells Expelliarmus. The whole dome thing appears and annoying loud Britney Spears music starts blaring.  
  
Marv.er Voldemort: Can't you do anything but that, you idiotic boy?  
  
Voldemort breaks the connection and hurls his wand like a javelin at Harry, who is knocked unconscious. Thinking he's dead and not wanting to stick around to check, he walks away.  
  
However, Sam and the other Hobbits are not happy with what Harry did to Frodo. They find a large firecracker and point it at Dumbledore, then light it. It misses the old man, and slams right into Snape, setting his greasy hair on fire.  
  
Snape: (menacingly) I'm on fire.  
  
Malfoy: PROFESSOR!!  
  
Random Firedroids come put his hair out.  
  
Snape: This was all Sirius Black's doing! I know it!  
  
Luke: Shut up! Penalty to Wizards AND Ring Lords!  
  
  
  
That's it for now! Whatever will happen next? (Tinuviel: I know! I know! Luthien: It's not a question. Tinuviel: But it has a question mark after it! Luthien: Shut up, Tinuviel!)  
  
Next time, we'll have more Figwit and Legolas, and the final bit of play. Aww. we're almost finished.(pouts). No, I will not cry.yet!  
  
THANKS A MILLION FOR REVIEWING THIS! THANKS FOR EVEN BOTHERING TO READ!! Until next chapter, Namarie! 


	7. End of game Tears

Thanks for waiting so long for us to update! Here it is. our penultimate chapter! Enjoy!  
  
LUTHIEN: Well, this is it.  
  
TINUVIEL: Half an hour of play remains.  
  
LUTHIEN: Do the Hogwarts Wizards have a prayer?  
  
Wizards Cheerleaders: Hermione is kneeling on the ground, hands together, praying. Mrs. Dursely is trying to get her husband into his new tank. (he's still a toad) Professor MacGonagall is doing her nails.  
  
TINUVIEL: Nope.  
  
GOLLUM: Stupid wizardss not have a prayer.no, Preciouss, not one.  
  
On the pitch, Elrond has started healing Frodo. Everyone has to wear sunglasses because of the intense amount of glowing Elves involved in this process.  
  
Frodo: (waking up) I'M HEALED!!! (he gets stunned by the combined glowing of Elrond, Galadriel, Celeborn and Glorfindel) I'M BLIND!!!  
  
Sam: Mister Frodo! Bless you, you're alright!  
  
Frodo: I think I'm blind, Sam.  
  
The glowing dies down, and Frodo realizes he can still see.  
  
Frodo: I can SEE!! (He starts running wildly around the pitch, doing the chicken dance thing)  
  
GOLLUM: Nassty Bagginses has lossst his senses, we thinks. Perhaps he will give us Precious now.  
  
Frodo recovers however, and the Ring Lords prepare to take their Penalty.  
  
Gandalf: Who is the opposing goalkeeper?  
  
Dumbledore: None of your business.  
  
Dumbledore gravely sticks out his tongue at Gandalf. Gandalf retaliates by setting Dumbledore's beard on fire.  
  
Saruman: (giving Gandalf a high five) Not bad, Gand man!  
  
Malfoy: Ooh! I know who can be the goalkeeper!  
  
Snape: Of course you do, Draco my dear boy, you sweet child!  
  
Malfoy looks scared for a moment.  
  
Malfoy: Er.right. How about Crabbe and Goyle?  
  
Luke: That's two people.  
  
Malfoy: But they have only enough brains for one!  
  
Crabbe and Goyle walk onto the pitch, and Luke approaches them.  
  
Luke: What's two plus two?  
  
Crabbe / Goyle : * blink * (they huddle together and whisper for a moment) Duh, will you repeat the question?  
  
Luke: (to Malfoy) You've got a deal!  
  
LUTHIEN: Aragorn will take the Ring Lords' penalty against Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
TINUVIEL: Go Estel!!  
  
LUTHIEN: Yay Elessar!!  
  
TINUVIEL: Come on, Strider!!  
  
GOLLUM: We iss not knowing they are talking to anymore, Preciousss.  
  
Aragorn steps up to the ball.  
  
Aragorn: I do not know if I can do this. Isildur missed the shot long before.  
  
Arwen: You are not Isildur's heir, but Isildur himself.er.wait, that's not right.  
  
Aragorn begins to cry.  
  
Arwen: (trying to save the moment) The same blood flows in your veins- the - same - weakness? Oh dear.  
  
Aragorn now begins to bawl, hitting his hands on the ground.  
  
Legolas runs over and scowls at Arwen.  
  
Legolas: Go away, you meanie!  
  
Arwen walks off, annoyed. The moment she's out of the area, Aragorn immediately stops crying and goes back to the ball, which Crabbe and Goyle are stupidly staring at.  
  
Legolas grabs a pom pom and leads the cheers.  
  
Legolas: WHO'S THE MAN??  
  
Saruman: I am.  
  
Gimli: You're the treacherous wizard, git!  
  
Boromir: Then I'M THE MAN!! ME, BOROMIR, SON OF DENETHOR! I ROCK!  
  
Aragorn stares at him.  
  
Aragorn: No, I am the man.  
  
Arwen: (Proudly) He's MY man!!  
  
Eowyn: (bonks her on the head with a metal pom pom) No he's not!  
  
Arwen: (getting back up) Yes he is!  
  
Glorfindel: (knocking her out again) NO HE'S NOT! Listen to someone who comes ONLY WHEN THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO!!  
  
Eowyn shakes hands with Glorfindel.  
  
Aragorn: (shakes his head) Whatever.  
  
He kicks, and the ball sails past the goalkeeper(s), who had run forward and were standing right in front of him.  
  
GOLLUM: That'ssss a goal, my Preciousss.yes indeed it wassss!!!  
  
LUTHIEN: YIPPEE! The score is now 6 - 1!  
  
TINUVIEL: Whoo!  
  
LUTHIEN: We now have a surprise guest speaker.  
  
TINUVIEL: We do?  
  
LUTHIEN: Uh-huh. He's come all the way from a galaxy far, far away, and is one of my favourite people. DARTH VADER!!!  
  
Luke: DAD!!  
  
Sounds of heavy breathing can be heard as Vader enters the commentators' booth.  
  
VADER: Greetings. Hey there, son!  
  
GOLLUM: You looks evil!  
  
Luke: (shouting from the pitch madly) No he does not! There's still good in him! Okay, so he cut off my hand and caused me to nearly fall off a cloud city into nothingness. and then I was sad.sniff.  
  
VADER: Sorry 'bout that.  
  
Luke: I'm a Jedi, and that means I will not be overly emotional.  
  
VADER: You are my son! Remember who you are!  
  
Luke: How can I forget? You just said 'you're my son'!  
  
VADER: I'm not your son!  
  
Luke: No, no you said I'm your son!  
  
VADER: Of course you're my son! Whose son would you be otherwise?  
  
Suddenly a little boy with blond hair arrives in what appears to be a pod racer.  
  
Little Boy: I'm Anakin Skywalker, and this is the fastest pod ever built!  
  
VADER: You're who?  
  
Anakin: Anakin Skywalker. Friends call me Annie.  
  
Luke: Annie? 'The sun will come out, tomorrow.' that Annie? I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!  
  
Luke does a Jedi leap onto the Pod Racer.  
  
Annie: Hey, don't break it, buster!  
  
VADER: You're not really Anakin Skywalker, are you?  
  
Another person walks onto the pitch, with short hair and a Padawan braid.  
  
Person: Of course he's not Anakin! I am!  
  
VADER: Argh! I AM ANAKIN SKYWALKER, YOU IDIOTS!  
  
Luke: You mean I can call you Annie?  
  
VADER: NO YOU CANNOT CALL ME ANNIE!!  
  
Luke: (sniffles) You don't have to shout.  
  
Anakin the Padawan is about to say something when two more people in ponchos arrive.  
  
LUTHIEN: Quite a reunion!  
  
VADER: I feel a presence I haven't felt since.  
  
Obi Wan: (with a beard) Oi, Anakin!  
  
Anakin: What?  
  
Obi Wan: Padme's been.er. she's going to be eaten by Jabba the Hutt!  
  
Anakin: Oh no!  
  
He runs to a waiting speeder and leaves with Obi Wan.  
  
Qui Gon: Annie.  
  
Annie: I'm not listening to you- you're dead!  
  
Luke: Dead people come back sometimes. Like Ben Kenobi!  
  
Annie: He's not dead.  
  
Luke: Is too!  
  
Annie: Is not!  
  
Qui Gon is dragging Annie away when Legolas spots him.  
  
Legolas: That's exactly what I wore at the council of Elrond!  
  
Figwit: Which reminds me. it is time, Legolas.  
  
Legolas: Is it?  
  
They prepare for the Ultimate Elven Combat.  
  
VADER: I'm leaving to speak to the Emperor about 'Annie'. Farewell.  
  
Luke: Bye, Dad!  
  
Once all the Anakins have left, Luke looks around the ground.  
  
The Hogwarts Wizards have taken advantage of the reunion to attack all the Ring Lords savagely.  
  
Neville Longbottom and Seamus Finnigan are taking on Merry and Pippin. Frodo and Sam are up against Harry and Ron.  
  
TINUVIEL: Poor Frodo.  
  
Snape is picking on Boromir and Malfoy is trying to throw Gimli into oblivion. Gandalf and Dumbledore are fighting over who has the longer beard. The Weasley twins have ganged up on Aragorn and Sirius Black, who is more or less a Ring Lord anyway, and Crabbe and Goyle are cluelessly at the goalpost.  
  
Luke: * Blows whistle * STOP!! THAT'S ENOUGH!! Now, there's only a few minutes of play left, and I'm not going to give out any more penalties!  
  
Percy: (running in from the locker rooms) BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR!! It's not! What if Crabbe and Goyle. okay, never mind that! You have to give us one more penalty. remember- it was due for the stupid fat little things attacking.  
  
He trails off seeing a mob of four angry hobbits approach him.  
  
Percy: (squeaking) Help?  
  
The Hobbits pounce on him and pound him into a pulp.  
  
Luke realizes Percy had a point, though and hands a penalty to the Wizards.  
  
Dumbledore: NOT to Harry this time, though. I will take this shot.  
  
LUTHIEN: Ooh. Dumbledore versus Figwit.  
  
Figwit and Legolas are, however, not done with their combat.  
  
Figwit: Pluck you.  
  
Legolas: Right back at you!  
  
Dumbledore takes the shot, thinking that, as Figwit is busy, he will not notice.  
  
The dark haired elf zooms and saves the ball in slow motion as it edges towards the goal.  
  
Luke blows the Final Whistle. The match is over.  
  
LUTHIEN: THE FINAL SCORE IS. RING LORDS 6  
  
TINUVIEL: HOGWARTS WIZARDS 1  
  
GOLLUM: The nice Ringerss win, yesss Preciousss. they win. hooray, my Preciouss, Smeagol is happy.  
  
LUTHIEN: And so are we! The Champions of the Fantasy World are-  
  
TINUVIEL: THE MIDDLE EARTH RING LORDS!!!  
  
The stadium explodes with cheers as the Ring Lords take a lap of honour before Gandalf steps up to claim the trophy.  
  
Harry Potter: But I'm not on the winning team! How come? That can't happen! I always win! Always! I'm the boy who lived! I'm cute and smart and-  
  
Professor MacGonagall throws a book at him.  
  
Prof: SHUT UP POTTER!  
  
  
  
Sob! It's over! Our fic is over! Noooooooo!  
  
Okay, it's not technically over. We have for you, next, a bonus chapter featuring Mara the Excited Fan and.well, Legolas! 


	8. Mara's and Tinuviel's Revenge!

Mara the Excited Fan cackled evilly as she checked the final points of her plan.  
  
"The Ring Lords will follow this path." she said to herself, "and Leggie too!"  
  
She was not ready to forgive Legolas for turning her into a Public Relations stunt. She would have her revenge! Muahahaha!  
  
"According to my calculations, they will pass this conveniently placed cliff in 13.98676 minutes. I will light this candle now. and it will finish burning this rope, which is connected to a jug. The jug will tip over to pour water into a fishbowl. The water will overflow because of the Theory Of Water Displacement, and flow into the tube, at the end of which is a ball bearing. The ball will knock over the long line of standing Dominos which go up mountain to where the Clapping Monkey toy thing switch is. The switch will activate the Clapping Monkey thing which will go three steps forward and press the pliers to cut the wire from which an anvil is hanging. The anvil will fall onto a see saw with a water balloon on the other end. The water balloon will fly and hit the target and compress the spring, activating the boot-in-the-box which will kick the gigantic rock off the cliff and SQUASH LEGOLAS!!!!"  
  
Why she said all this to herself, no one can tell.  
  
She caught sight of the team approaching in the distance.  
  
"What am I doing?" she thought to herself, "My Leggie is too hot to squish! And wait 'til Sue hears I've been used by Legolas as a PR stunt! Shell be perfectly envious!"  
  
Mara sighed as the Ring Lords passed un-squashed. "LEGGIE! WAIT FOR ME!" she called and ran towards him.  
  
Unnoticed by the Excited Fan, Tinuviel lit a match and placed it on the wick of the candle.  
  
"Let's see who happens to come this way!"  
  
She heard the final 'ping' of the boot spring, and an evil laugh escaped her.  
  
"Goodbye, Harry!"  
  
Luthien watched from their landspeeder. Luke handed her a pair of binoculars to see a large boulder land accurately on Harry's head.  
  
"I wonder where that came from!"  
  
Tinuviel approached the speeder with a broad grin on her face. "Nice day, isn't it?"  
  
Luke revved the speeder and they drove off into the sunset, laughing maniacally.  
  
That's all folks!  
  
WOW! We finished it!  
  
It's been a blast knocking these people together, and we're glad you folks liked it!  
  
Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, which are the reason we're writing this. Thanks a million to all of you!  
  
We really have no clue how to properly end this, but here goes,  
  
NAMARIE! 


End file.
